I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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