Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
