The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
