Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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