i permit you to call me
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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