Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
