Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I think people are normalizing furries
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
