peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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