there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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