Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
