Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
