he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
