he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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