I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
