I think I won the penis lottery.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
do herpes really smell.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
