He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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