it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Randomize
