I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
