capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
