Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You're a waste of cheezeits
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
