I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
