Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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