she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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