you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
