It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
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She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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