Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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