i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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