I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She told me I should be a condom model.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
