We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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