Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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