I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
