WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
