you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
