saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
