Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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