Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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