Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
