The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
