I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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