I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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