fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Is it because I queefed?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
