Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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