Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
