The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
