Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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