he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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