i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
