You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
