I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
