On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
