that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
