I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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