He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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