these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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