It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
