Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
