I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I fill condoms, not promises.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
