remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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