Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
